This is one of the very first foundational things I work with clients on "rewiring" in their brains when we begin spiritual work together.
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Knowing the difference between an Expectation and a Boundary can help save you a lot of drama all the way around, but only if you consistently do the work in understanding and using them in the correct application.
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The main point behind embarking on and embracing a Spiritual journey is realizing that all we need is WITHIN US.
If we want safety, Look within.
If we want comfort, Look within.
If we want validation, look within.
If we want happiness, look within.
If you want love, look within.
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We must be all of those things within and for ourselves and not seek them in others for fulfillment.
Applying the knowledge you have surrounding Expectations and Boundaries is a crucial piece of the puzzle for doing just that.
Expectations vs. Boundaries: The Overview
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While both words are related to personal limits and relationships, a "boundary" refers to a clear set of operational guidelines you set for yourself regarding how you want to be treated, while an "expectation" is a belief about how someone else should behave, often leading to disappointment if not met.
Boundaries are internal and focus on your own needs, while expectations are external and focus on others' actions. (what they are, or are not doing for you.)
Boundaries protect your well-being and safety, and give you control and choice. Expectations are idealistic and vague. They rely on the other person to do what you want, either knowingly or unknowingly.
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Expectations are external because they focus on the behavior or action of others that cannot be controlled, while Boundaries are internal and focus on your needs instead, which are within your control.
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Understanding Expectations
Expectations are often based on our individual needs, desires, and past experiences.
They can be realistic or unrealistic, and when not communicated effectively, they can lead to misunderstandings and disappointment.
Examples of expectations:
Others are responsible for meeting my needs (Example: My partner is responsible for making sure I'm happy).
The focus is shifted onto the other person and what they’re doing or not doing. (My partner did not buy me flowers for Valentine's Day, or call my mother on her birthday.)
They center around your desires rather than reality. For example, if you expect your partner to know how to support you when you're feeling emotional, but you've never made it clear how they should do that.
Having your needs met by attempting to control the other person’s behavior. (Example: Telling your partner that they need to dress a certain way to go out to dinner with you.)
You can only expect what the other person already gives or is willing to give. That means, your expectations have to be realistic and based on facts,like expecting someone to send a "Good Morning" text to you every day only makes sense if they’ve been doing that already.
Unmet expectations will most certainly lead to disappointment and anger, which causes unnecessary tension and conflict in a relationship.
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Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries set the standard around your self-care, personal values, and the treatment we are willing to tolerate from others.
I'm gunna type that again for the people in the back....
"THE TREATMENT WE ARE WILLING TO TOLERATE FROM OTHERS".
This means, YOU set the standards with yourself FIRST, and then stand on them. Do not let anyone cross your boundaries, especially not yourself.
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Boundaries are essential for maintaining our sense of identity, autonomy, and emotional well-being within a relationship.
A relationship doesn't have to be intimate, it can be the one with yourself, a friend, a coworker, a family member, or a partner.
Boundaries are essential to your personal and relational well-being.
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Golden Rules for Boundary Setting and Enforcement:
You’re responsible for making sure your needs are met, so if your boundaries are crossed, you’re also responsible for taking action. Taking action means your response, reaction, words, actions, etc.
The focus is on you and what you want and don’t want.
Boundaries give you control as you’re not relying on others to meet your needs.
They create freedom of choice ( a “take it or leave it” approach, but can be flexible).
If someone doesn’t meet your standards (boundaries), you can let them go without anger, as it’s easier to accept that maybe you’re not compatible and better off going separate ways.
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When you focus on your boundaries or limits, you are able to determine who or what fits within your energetic field, what you will "tolerate or accept".
Expectations, on the other hand, are the standards or beliefs we have about how a relationship should function and how our partner should behave, which is basically a form of manipulation if you think about it. If you get mad at your partner for not doing something for you, but you fail to communicate clearly about what it was they were supposed to do, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
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Boundaries are about your own needs and how you want to be treated, while expectations are about what you believe others should do for you.
Setting boundaries gives you more control over your own life and reactions, whereas expectations can leave you feeling powerless if not fulfilled.
Boundaries allow for some flexibility and adaptation to situations, whereas expectations can be more rigid and lead to frustration if not met exactly.
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Example of each in context:
Boundary: "I will not engage in conversations where the person is being disrespectful."
Expectation: "My partner should always be available to listen to my problems when I need them."
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I hope that by this point in the post, you see how peaceful yet empowering setting Boundaries are in comparison to Expectations.
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I want you to become mindful of the following:
What boundaries you have with yourself.
Who you do or do not have boundaries with.
How often are you emotional over expectations.
How often do experience emotional consequences for not having boundaries.
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Love,
H
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